


the absturisity of belief

by racingshadows



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Muslim Neil Josten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24104860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/racingshadows/pseuds/racingshadows
Summary: When Neil gets up at 4 in the morning, Andrew only stares at him; not even a blink of sleep shows on his face. Neil only tells him, “You should go back to sleep.” before going out of their room to look for some food.But he hears a creak of a bed and he knows Andrew following him.(or: Neil Josten is a muslim.)
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 24
Kudos: 150





	the absturisity of belief

When Neil gets up at 4 in the morning, Andrew only stares at him; not even a blink of sleep shows on his face. Neil only tells him, “You should go back to sleep.” before going out of their room to look for some food.

But he hears a creak of a bed and he knows Andrew following him.

Neil tries to pay no mind, as he makes peanut butter sandwiches and coffee.

“I don’t think you should drink coffee,” Andrew says quietly. “It’ll make you thirsty.”

Neil stops. “Yeah,” he mutters. “Good call.” He turns off the coffee maker, and continues to smear the butter on the bread. 

“Is that all you’ll be having?”

Neil shrugs. “Yeah.” He turns to look at Andrew, but Andrew doesn’t say anything else, and he turns the coffee maker back on.

They end up eating in silence; Neil, munching five peanut butter sandwiches, and Andrew, taking a sip of his sugary coffee every now and then. This is probably a weird way to start Ramadan, but he won’t have it any other way. Andrew notices his gaze and mutters, “Staring.”

Neil continues eating with a small smile on his lips.

*

On that night when they won against the Ravens, Neil found his prayer mat in his duffel. It was slipped between his clothes. He straightened up the mat on his bed, running a hand on it, trying to remember whether he still recalled the words he had to say when he stood on the mat. 

He went to the bathroom, and turned on the shower, standing on the side as he reached out his hand to test the water. Then, he washed his hands and his face. He let water glide from his elbows to his hands; he splashed some water to his hair, he cleaned his ears with water, and he rubbed his feet and the spaces between his toes.

Matt would be in Dan’s room for the night, and Andrew was still on the roof. Neilw had five minutes to do this. He scattered the mat on the floor; he was taught how to find qibla direction, and it was his habit to look for the direction in whatever place he and his mother ended up in. 

They never prayed anymore. When Neil was little, he thought perhaps Allah could make an exception because his father had been so bad to him. But thinking it back, he realized his mother no longer believed.

Sometimes Neil performed ablution, just so he could remember, as he felt water on his head, face, hands, and feet. He didn’t know what to believe, but after everything that had happened this night, he _wanted_ to believe again.

So he prayed.

*

The look on Wymack, Abby, Dan, and Kevin’s face is indescribable. Neil shuts his mouth and shifts in his seat. Somehow he feels this is worse than coming out to the Foxes that he is into Andrew, except it wasn’t much of coming out from his part.

Kevin is the one to break the silence. “You don’t look like a muslim.”

_Muslim_ , Neil has not taken the label, the identity, since the night he and his mother ran away. Perhaps even before that. His memories of learning how to pray and perform ablution and reciting Quran was somewhere outside of The Butcher’s house. 

“It’s a religion, not a race,” Neil tells him.

Wymack’s hand smacks his own forehead, but they all ignore him.

“That’s not what I mean,” Kevin defends. “You know… there are… ways? To dress up and behave like a muslim? Isn’t it like that? And you don’t. And… your name…”

Neil notes that Kevin was raised in a Japanese household; there are still some slip ups in the way he acts and does around the Foxes. Overly polite to the elders, taking off his shoes at the entrance, the murmur before he eats. But it is so subtle Neil doubts the Foxes catch on. Except Andrew, maybe. 

“Well, you know what my father is like,” Neil says. “White, American, straight. Nothing else but Islamophobic. Maybe he didn’t even know he married to a muslim woman.”

But Kevin is not Japanese. 

Race is not like religion. Faith is a different thing, an abstract concept where Neil still wonders why, after all this time, after his mother had refused to bring the Quran with them, but still keeping her headscarf and skirt with them, Neil wants to believe there is an entity being behind this life. Maybe all Neil wants is a meaning, a reason, something to hold onto to remind himself _this is not a dream_. Exy, the Foxes, Andrew.

“So let me get this straight.” Wymack says. “You’re a muslim, and today you start fasting?”

Neil nods.

“Is there anything else we should know, Josten?” He presses. “Something like you have a long lost sibling, perhaps?”

Neil considers it. “No.” He says. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

“So this is why you don’t drink.” Wymack mentions.

Neil shrugs. “Part of it. We weren’t religious from the start.” And it’s true; it wasn’t like he and his mother had time to check if the food they were eating was halal or not. 

“You just start today, right?” Dan asks. “How are you feeling?”

Neil is about to answer with his usual, but he stops himself, and tells her, “Kinda thirsty but okay. Also sleepy. I couldn’t sleep much after eating at 4 am.”

“Sixteen hours,” Abby murmurs. She turns to Wymack. “Can you let him go today? I want to talk to you about his health and practice.”

“But—” Kevin is about to interfere, but is interrupted by Wymack.

“Sure, I don’t need a dehydrated kid in my court.” Wymack agrees. To Neil, “I’ll call you later and we’ll figure this out.”

Neil nods, and before he leaves, Kevin asks him, “Does Andrew know?”

Neil’s hand is on the doorknob, his back is facing them. He can feel their eyes on him. He answers, “Yes.”

*

It’s not like he has told Andrew everything about his religion — by birth, and later, by choice. But Andrew has seen him several times in the bedroom at night, during his break, and he must have awoken when Neil got up at 5 am for fajr prayer. Still, Andrew doesn’t say anything else. He must’ve known, from the start, when Andrew went through his belongings, before they knew of each other.

*

Neil is awakened to the sound of Andrew unlocking the door. He has fallen asleep on the bean bag chair, and there is still six hours more until iftar. He doesn’t have any class to attend to, and practice — that he regrets missing — will start in two hours.

Andrew sits on the bean bag beside him.

“Hey,” Neil croaks, his throat and mouth dry. Literally. His breath smells bad, and he tries to avoid engaging in small talks to others.

Andrew’s hand reaches out to him. “Can I?”

“Yes.” Neil nods, then feels Andrew’s hand on his hair. He closes his eyes. Intimacy is something they still learn together, slowly, carefully. They still kiss, at night, on the roof or in their room. Sometimes Andrew will blow Neil or work with his hand, but other than that Neil is not sure, and Andrew will not do anything Neil is unsure of. 

Andrew’s fingers stroke his hair and it is sure the greatest thing in the world; the feeling, the warmth, the safety. Neil almost falls back to sleep, but he mumbles, “I guess this is another secret of mine.”

Andrew’s hand stops for a moment, then he continues. “It’s your old habit.” He tells Neil.

Neil shrugs, eyes still closed. “I’m not sure. We’re never religious from the start. And my father…” he trails off. “Well, my father was an American white straight man, he was nothing but islamophobic. I didn’t know why my mother married him. Maybe he didn’t know.” He said. “It was my uncle who taught me.”

“Your uncle.” Andrew repeats.

“All he taught me was how to pray, recite the Quran, and memorize some of it.” He tells Andrew. “He never taught me about, you know,” he opens his eyes and gazes at Andrew’s eyes while looking for the words, “Patience and kindness and all those stuffs you always hear about religions. But it’s maybe because of our family.”

Neil holds his gaze before closing his eyes and he continues, “But now I’m free from my father, I just, want to take this one back. Something from my childhood.”

Andrew hums. “Was it one of your happy moments?”

Neil thinks about it. “Kind of,” he answers. “It was one of a few normal times in my childhood. I made friends with other kids around my age as we learned together.”

Neil can fall asleep at any moment now, and Andrew doesn’t urge him to continue. Instead he says, “Sleep.”

Neil nods — maybe he does nod — and falls back right into a dreamless nap.

*

Wymack, Abby, and Neil have agreements on letting Neil go to morning and afternoon practices, but he has to keep a healthy and balanced diet. On the first day, Renee had knocked on their door to bring him groceries full of green vegetables, which terrified Andrew for some reason. But Neil accepted it without much thought.

The morning practice is difficult, mostly because he has trouble waking up, after having slept for only an hour. Andrew is also the same; Neil has told him he can eat by himself, but Andrew can be stubborn in the way his eyes staring at him while also following him out of their room. His stubbornness is shown in the way he prepares the meal for Neil; something that has green vegetables, carbohydrate, and lots of water. This, Neil realizes, is how Andrew cares in a much fonder way.

Neil has gotten far through hunger and thirst, he almost doesn’t feel it once he gets a hang on his daily routine. Even practices don’t make him wobbly, something Kevin has predicted from the start. On the first few days, Wymack and Abby stood on guard; watching every one of Neil’s movements. Once they saw Neil could go to practices just fine, they let him go.

It doesn’t take long for his teammates to catch on.

It doesn’t surprise Neil that Dan has told Matt, Renee, and Allison. Kevin only cares about Neil’s performance, and Nicky only starts questioning when they don’t go to Eden’s Twilight that first weekend. 

Neil doesn’t want to go, and Andrew will only leave when Neil does. 

Eventually when Nicky learns that Neil is a muslim and therefore is trying to start fasting (probably from Dan or Matt), his expression is unreadable when he reaches to Neil in the changing room, after the afternoon practice. 

“So,” Nicky starts. “When you said you’re not religious, this isn’t what you mean?”

Behind Nicky, Neil spots Andrew, rummaging through his locker. “I’m not religious.” Neil replies. “I only do what I have to do.”

Neil dislikes the word. _Religious_ sounds like a group of men and women praying sunnah, after fajr and before zuhr, the men growing beards, and the women wearing long hijab or veil until it covers their breasts. _Religious_ sounds like someone who’s ready to give up their mundane life for _jannah_ , and Neil, has been _so close_ to death many times already, doesn’t want to give up anything in his life in exchange for a place in heaven or some happy after-life.

No, as much as Neil believes, he still doesn’t want to trade this life as Neil Josten that he has fought nail and tooth (quite literally), yet he still wants to hold onto something, to remind himself that maybe, this is all happening for a _reason_ , and Neil has yet to find it.

“You’re really brave, you know.” Nicky tells him. When Neil looks at him in wonder, Nicky continues, “I don’t even know what to believe anymore because god says I can’t be Christian _and_ gay.”

It’s not like Neil hasn’t thought about being queer _and_ a muslim. He has expected not every religion is welcome with anything other than heteronormativity. And if it was his mother who had warned him about girls, it was actually his uncle who had told him stories. The effect on him is nothing like his mother’s slap; not pricking his skin, but staying on the back of his mind instead. 

When Andrew kissed him for the first time, the thought resurfaced, but he pushed it again because his faith, his belief, was not his identity anymore. That was how he let himself want and crave. 

But then he decides he still wants his faith to become his anchor, to keep him in places, to make him _understand_ , and Andrew’s touch feels like a heavy burden. 

Neil has done many bad things; stealing, lying, his smart mouth has ran off making people mad as hell, and he may or may not involve in Riko Moriyama’s _suicide_. The burden is not about a sin he has committed by being with Andrew, it’s heavy because there are other people that can see and have their own judgment, be it they are only mere mortals that shall be judged in His eyes.

Nicky watches him, and when Neil doesn’t say anything else, Nicky only squeezes his shoulder, before leaving for shower.

In shower, as the warm water trickles on his hair and face and body, Neil remembers when he was little, he performed ablution but he was only doing that just so he could swallow some water. 

He makes a note to find a mosque where he can do Eid prayer. He has been looking and there is certainly some in the area, but he hasn’t checked it. All this fasting leaves him always dozing off in a bean bag chair after class.

He can always ask Andrew… but he and Andrew haven’t spoken anything again about it since that first day.

He wonders if words have gotten out about him and Andrew to his uncle.

_So be it_ , Neil thinks as he turns off the shower. _I only do what I have to do_.

*

He sees Andrew talking with Renee as they’re doing warm-ups. He walks to them, but Andrew catches his eyes, and he starts to leave to run some laps. Renee turns and sees Neil. She smiles. “Hello, Neil.”

Neil nods.

“Want to run laps with me? Andrew left me behind.”

With purpose, Neil can see. Andrew must have heard his and Nicky’s conversation yesterday.

They don’t talk at first, only after a while Renee starts asking about Neil's wellbeing in Ramadan. Neil is somehow pleased to hear the word _Ramadan_ , instead of fasting month.

“I’ll get used to it,” Neil tells her. “It was a few years ago since I fasted in Ramadan.”

“My neighbors are a muslim family.” Renee says. “It’s a big family, and once I babysat their children. It was summer break and also Ramadan, the parents didn’t say anything to me about fasting, but the kids wanted to know why they had to fast while I didn’t.”

Neil considers it. “When I was a kid I was taught to fast until _zuhr_ — noon pray.”

Renee nods. “So they can adjust themselves, right?”

It takes Neil a while before he finally asks Renee, “When you became a Christian,” he starts. “Did you ever have to choose something that’s against your religion?”

Renee doesn’t look the least surprised hearing the question. “Andrew has told me you’re going to ask about this.” She confirms Neil’s suspicion. “Let me tell you this, Neil: when I was a freshman, I was… attracted to one of our teammates.”

Neil raises his eyebrows.

“Not Andrew, of course.” Renee laughs. “It was Dan. I was attracted to her, but couldn’t place the name on it, because I wasn’t romantically or sexually attracted to her. A fact that I learned later.”

She says it so casually that Neil has to think twice about Renee mentioning Dan. 

“But that time, I didn’t know what it was, I just knew that I was attracted to her. The same attraction I’ve had to girls when I was young. And that time,” Renee looks at Neil. “I refused my mother’s Christianity because I believed I didn’t deserve that.”

“But you did, eventually.”

“Eventually.” repeats Renee. “It took a while and a little bit of convincing from my mother’s part, and then I came out to her that I might like girls… you know what she told me?”

Neil shakes his head.

“She said, _you can still like girls your age and believe in God because God is generous, He won’t make you go to Hell just because you kiss girls. If He can forgive you for your sins, then why can’t He forgive you for who you are?_ And that’s when I knew, I could do both.” Renee says.

At night, after isha prayer, Neil usually still sits on his prayer mat, wonders why _this_ is a sin. Why does loving become a sin? Why is loving different kinds considered a sin, but also loving the same kind can be considered one too? If God really is forgiving, surely He can also forgive this sin?

But Neil is alone with his thoughts on the prayer mat, he has no friend nor a teacher whom he can share. 

“But you and Dan…” Neil doesn’t finish.

“Dan is happy with Matt, and I’m happy with my own understanding that the attraction is merely platonic.” explains Renee. “And I’ve learned that is fine, too.”

Neil nods.

“There’s a queer friendly mosque, it’s kinda far, but maybe you can check it. I haven’t been there myself, but my neighbors are pretty open to this stuff and they told me about it.”

“I think I will.” Neil says. And, “Thanks, Renee.”

Renee’s smile is enough to make Neil smile back.

*

Later that night, after isha prayer, Neil goes to the roof and finds Andrew, smoking and drinking as usual. His eyes spot Neil, and he doesn’t say anything.

Neil makes himself comfortable beside Andrew. He takes the cigarette from Andrew’s hand and takes a smoke.

“Should you be doing it?” asks Andrew, reaching out to take his cigarette back. Neil lets him, and momentarily feels Andrew’s fingers brushing his.

“I guess it’s fine.” Neil replies. 

It’s another silence; Neil stares at Andrew, and Andrew stares at something in front of him, ignores Neil. But then Andrew’s finger is on Neil’s cheek, moving his head to not stare at him.

“Talk to me,” Neil finally says.

“What do you want to talk about.” Andrew drops and steps on the cigarette. He takes his whiskey bottle. 

“Does this bother you?” Neil doesn’t have to explain about _this_ ; he has learned long ago that they can follow each other’s train of thoughts. Maybe Neil is predictable, and Andrew is not as smart as he thinks.

Andrew takes a swig, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “‘Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.’”

Neil waits.

“Peter 3:8.”

That earns Neil a small smile. “I didn’t know you’re _religious_.”

“I’m not.” Andrew says. “I only do what I have to do.”

“By memorizing bible verse?”

“It’s my favorite verse.” Andrew admits. “Great in theory, but hard to carry out.”

“I thought we’ve talked about how if everyone thinks you’re soulless, I have to fight each of them.”

“And have I told you how much I hate you today?”

Neil considers it, thinks back to the events today. “No.” He answers. “Go on, keep me updated on the percentage.”

“Ninety-nine.”

“You said one hundred and twenty yesterday.” Neil says. “You’re getting soft, Minyard.”

“One hundred and two.”

Neil scoffs. He turns to Andrew, tilts his head to the side and asks, “Yes or no?”

Andrew turns at him, and, “Yes.”

Neil rests his head on Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew takes another cigarette, and lets his hand take Neil’s.

*

“We’re like star-crossed lovers.”

“Neil, it’s 4 am.” Andrew says, his voice and eyes tired as he pours a cup of coffee. They have only gotten three good hours of sleep, after having another game night. 

Neil grins. “A muslim boy and a christian boy? Who would’ve thought.”

“But really.” Andrew sounds unimpressed. “Lovers? Is that what we are?” He raises his eyebrows as he brings his cup to his mouth.

“Shut up. You like me.”

“I hate you.” Andrew corrects him. “And last I checked, this is nothing.”

“And you want nothing, _last I checked_.” 

Andrew only rolls his eyes and Neil sneers at his small victory; having the last word. When Andrew finally sits beside him, he scoots closer.

“Kiss me for good luck?”

“You should’ve asked this a few hours ago before the game started.” Andrew says, but he takes Neil’s face in his hands, and presses his lips to Neil’s; tasting it briefly, before opening his mouth and letting his tongue roam on Neil’s lower lip, slowly, teasingly.

Neil tries to catch his breath. “I scored three out of six yesterday.”

“Shh.” Andrew kisses him again, and Neil closes his eyes and if he could, he wanted to melt into Andrew’s lips and skin and fingertips until he became everything and nothing at once. But Neil is still here; breathless, Andrew’s lips are soft and tastes like coffee and sleep. 

Andrew pulls away abruptly. Neil blinks, mouth still slightly open. He doesn’t miss the way Andrew looks at it.

“Your meal.” Andrew only says, turns away from him to take a sip of his coffee.

*

The mosque is crowded, full of strangers but Neil somehow feels at ease. He finds his shoes, puts them on, and walks to the parking lot, where he spots Andrew’s car.

“Hey.” Neil says as he climbs into the passenger seat.

Andrew flicks him a glance. “So it’s over now?”

“For another year, yes.”

“I can take you to Eden’s Twilight again?”

“Sure.” Neil says. And, after a moment of consideration, “We can make out when the sun is up.”

Andrew starts the engine. “Junkie.”

“ _Yours_ , anyway.” Neil retorts. Andrew doesn’t say anything else, but Neil swears he is smiling slightly. 

The car leaves the mosque, and goes to their home.


End file.
